Going My Way

 I have been schizophrenics since 2012' s winter. I have delusion that makes me fear at the bottom of my heart enough to try to commit suicide once by cutting my right neck in my life. I don't to want to tell the content of it in this blog in detail, but that made me fear enough to want to disappear from this world against my will. Today, I want to tell how to cope with my "ultimate fear". I have discovered that there are a lot of kind of self-coping to this fear of delusion, while I had experienced hardship through symptoms of this mental disease. 1.Music I like Music enough to say that I am applied to the person who is"No music no life". But in the beginning, I try to save myself from the predicament of my life. So, music which is normal and ordinary activity for me now was given rise to by the concept of self-coping to protect myelf. I like to create music. Through this activity, I can externalize my ambiguous matter of my heart and turn it into the bette...

 Today, I went back my parents house to fill in for the handout which is needed for me. And I practiced the chorus part of Roselia's song without any instruments. I always do a recording of chorus part without instruments when I go to Karaoke to do it. But, it was not easy for me to practice today's program. Yesterday, I practiced that part with tiny voice because it will be a nuisance for neighbor if I emit loud voice in my apartment. First of all, I practiced the pronunciation. After that, I practiced the main melody line with my hands on playing keyboard. So, I decided to try to practice the chorus part without instrument with loud voice in my parents house. But it seemed to be in vain. I rethought that it will be good practice if I practice in studio because that environment is similar to the studio with the member. In that environment, I can emit the loud voice, too. I would like to practice this song in the studio in the near future.

 I have started musical activity as an amateur keyboardist since 2011. On November 26th in 2011 was my milestone day because it is the day of my starting the musical activity as a keyboardist. Although I experienced the mental illness, I turned it into my motivation for musical activity and my composition. I'm in the middle of improving as a musician by taking part in the band activity because there is advices from the member how to play the keyboard. So, it can be said that I am premature as a keyboardist, but if I think so, I should improve my lack points by compiling those points in this blog. I would like to analyze them one by one in this blog. 1.DTM skills I always make songs by DAW, but I often feel insufficient result to my composition because my composition seems not to be authorized as a commodity which can be sold in the market place. The evidence of it is testified that I once submitted my composition to the site Audiostock for selling my songs, but it was not allowed t...

 Today, after the work, I went to Omiya to do a rehearsal of Julien Concasser, which is the original rock band I take part in as a keyboardist. There will be 2 times of live performance in April. On April 5, we will do the performance at CRESCENDO in Kichijoji. On April 26, we will do it at Yotsuya OUTBREAK in Yotsuya. We would have done recording new songs for new album, if he schedule were not filled. But, we talked about it too and end up with that we will make new album by spending long time.  Yesterday, the keyboardist of Calm Rose was very skillful player. So, I would like to enhance myself as a keyboardist. Through her playing, I discovered the point of my wanting. The point which I am lack of is that I am not good at making sound notes exactly. I always make original sound notes by intuition, but I had heard from the keyboardist long time ago when I took part in the session of Keion R 40 that he made sound notes thinking the extent of Hz. Even though I don't reach that...

 Today, I went to Akihabara after working and dinner to see another Roselia's cover band named "Calm Rose". I also Take part in the cover band of Roselia named "Stela Score". Our Guitarist belongs to two Roselia's cover band. I tend to pay attention to keyboard part because I'm a keyboardist, too. Keyboardist of "Calm Rose" was beautiful woman and played songs very well. She disguised herself in the character of Roselia's keyboardist. I rethought that I want to be slim because my recent 15years countenance has been more ugly than before. Whether or not I will be cool by being slim is unknown, but I want to make my silhouette be slimmer than now at least as a musician who perform on stage. Stela Score is supposed to perform at club GOODMAN in this year. I decided to loose my weight from now on. 

 Recently, I dropped down from the work of washing dishes for some reason. But, I will be supposed to work as worker who wash dishes. About 1 month, I did trivial duties like posting handout, washing toilet, and filing the memorandum of record of attendance. At first, it seemed difficult for me to adjust myself to them, but I got to discover the joy in that work. For example, posting is like communication with people. The point I felt the similarity is at where they have relationship between sender and receiver. When you try to communicate with people, you will try to see how that person is like. Sender of the message will try to send the message in order to let the receiver be easier to catch the ball of message. It must be applied to posting. I began to see a lot of posts as people degree by degree because I must send the handout to the entrance of the post, thinking the easier way of being able to enter the entrance of that post. It is like communication! There are several kinds...